| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 978 Registered: 11-2004 |
I lean my head, tilt it like a wren, rest my cheek in your palm. I will not open my eyes until this is done. You hold my face like the thinnest glass- not tender, but wary. Words like shards and stitches hide behind your lips. I know you are watching me, counting my breaths, alert to the hint of a sigh, the suggestion of unrest. You stroke my wings. Feathers fall at my feet, whisper through the air- the weight of sorrow so slight. Still, it is unable to bear itself. (Message edited by sparklingseas on July 14, 2005) | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 3514 Registered: 11-1998 |
A terrific piece, Dale. I would suggest, though, that verse breaks might be in order here as the thought patterns shift. Something like this? I lean my head, tilt it like a wren, rest my cheek in your palm. I will not open my eyes until this is done. You hold my face like the thinnest glass- not tender, but wary. Words like shards and stitches hide behind your lips. I know you are watching me, counting my breaths, alert to the hint of a sigh, the suggestion of unrest. You stroke my wings. Feathers fall at my feet, whisper through the air- the weight of sorrow so slight. Still, it is unable to bear itself. | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2168 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, this is lovely. Agree with M about the breaks.  K | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 979 Registered: 11-2004 |
M and Kathy~ Many thanks for the kind words and suggested line breaks. I have edited to reflect those changes. I appreciate the input. take care~dale | ||
| marty
Advanced Member Username: marty Post Number: 585 Registered: 10-2003 |
exquisite, especially the last three lines. For some reason, the word "Still" in the last line was ambiguous (and i would say this is genius) enough to create both assonance and imagery that blended well with the whole piece. what i wanted to say was, this, this is poetry. Cheers Brethren | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1248 Registered: 08-2003 |
Oh my God I thought I was going crazy! I forgot how the editing time has been extended and I read M's comments and then looked at your poem, read M's comments, looked at your poem. What the heck! They're the same. Duh you'd already made the changes. Anyway dear, fine as Waterford crystal. It's all here and quite perfect. E | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 987 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thank you Marty! Your last line made my day. E~ LOL! No dear, you're not over the edge quite yet! That larger editing window is quite the thing, huh? Anyway, thanks so much for your generous comments! take care~dale | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 1516 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Dale A charming piece. Nicely done throughout. The title though led me think it might be about the bombings in London. Maybe a more appropriate title might be needed? Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://www.actorssceneunseen.com/ripper.asp | ||
| Cary
New member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 4 Registered: 07-2005 |
Dale... I also agree that the title could better compliment the poem. While "Suspect" has me thinking it relates to the status of a relationship, I cannot banish the prospect that maybe the speaker has commited some unforgivable act. The poem itself is an admirable endeavor in its effort to lend wings to a feeling of impending doom. The similies are fresh and that ending is the essence of fine poetry. Cary... | ||
| Denis M. Garrison
Advanced Member Username: denismgarrison Post Number: 323 Registered: 01-2005 |
Very nice, indeed! bw, Denis www.dmgar.com Visit Loch Raven Review at www.lochravenreview.com My books are available at www.lulu.com/denismgarrison | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1225 Registered: 12-2003 |
Beautiful writing Dale. This.. 'I lean my head, tilt it like a wren, rest my cheek in your palm. I will not open my eyes until this is done.' .. gentle and truly stunning all at once! A wonderful read, the last lines with the use of 'slight' and 'still' are captivating. Much enjoyed. lia | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 993 Registered: 11-2004 |
Chris~ I appreciate the thoughtful comments, as always. I will consider another title. Cary, Denis, Lia~ Many thanks for your kind words. take care all~dale | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2485 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dale, This stanza really stood out for me: I know you are watching me, counting my breaths, alert to the hint of a sigh, the suggestion of unrest. A very vivid portrait of a relationship. Beautifully done. ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ |
